More often than not, I like what I see in the mirror. Sure, there are the mornings where I wake up, look at my reflection and think “how in the world did that happen overnight?”.
However, I wash my face, smooth down my pillow tousled hair as best as I can and am able to walk out the door feeling confident.
That’s not always the case.
That hasn’t always been the case.
The truth?
Sometimes when I wake up, I look at myself and sigh a great big sigh, wondering just when I will wake up and find my nose a little smaller, my chest a little bigger, and my cheeks a little less round.
The truth is, it’s never going to happen.
I can’t ever remember a time in my life where I was truly a confident person. Sure, I may seem confident on the outside, but I am the queen of being able to put up a façade — a wall — a fence — a barrier — anything not to let others know just exactly how I feel about myself.
Not good enough.
Not strong enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not outgoing enough.
There is not a moment of my life where I would ever want anyone to be able to read my thoughts. Not only because that would be way too much information about myself for anyone to handle, but because they would probably be surprised as to what went on in there. A woman’s mind is an interesting place to be — my brain never stops moving, is always thinking three steps ahead, and is always wondering what others think about me.
Everyone has their own insecurities.
Let me reiterate that.
Everyone has their own insecurities.
The thing is, many times we as outsiders never have the opportunity to really know what these insecurities are unless we had a constant running script of a person’s thoughts and feelings painted on their face for the world to see.
Sometimes I wonder if men go through the same thing women do on a daily basis. I cannot possibly be the only woman in the world who feels this way. It stems back — far back — into my childhood. How did I, and other women today, go from being a carefree little girl with absolutely not regards to what others thought, to a woman who on the inside actually still wonders on a daily basis what others think of her?
It couldn’t have happened overnight. Or then again, maybe it could have.
When I was in middle school, my life revolved around what others thought of me. The friends I had my young adolescent years were not the best influences on me. They were, in fact, the “mean girls” of the grade, and I was constantly looking for a way to get in with them. I’d do anything, say anything, and be anything each and every one of them wanted me to. What shirt would look the best? Are my pants actually too short? AM I really too tall? Do I eat more than my friends? Suddenly friendship was more like a competition, a comparison trap that happened every minute of every day. My life was torn between who I really was and who I wanted my friends to see me as.
Fake.
Fraud.
Con.
Imposter.
I always felt like I was one person on the inside and another one on the outside, just begging for acceptance from others. My role models became celebrities who were not especially modest or timid women, who flaunted every inch of their body for the world to see.
My older sister, who has always compared herself to me, actually has it all wrong. I always compared myself to her. She was shorter, thinner, and all the boys liked her. Why couldn’t I be just like her? Why did I have to be…::sigh:: me?
With time, with energy, with a battered heart, I worked through those insecurities throughout the last fourteen years of my life. I do love myself. I love my mind. I love my body.
Well… most days.
You see, there are still many times where my insecurities bombard me at the most inopportune times, reminding me of just how difficult adolescence really is. Usually in a time of defeat, my insecurities break me down — no, tear me down — one insult at a time. A bad mood is usually able to be turned around very quickly, unless of course, my insecurities about myself start nagging in my head. Then, the very thing I am actually upset about becomes obsolete, and my insecurities are really what I focus on more.
Fourteen years. Fourteen year. Fourteen years.
Did I really waste fourteen years of my life so consumed with what others thought of me?
To be continued…
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oh Chelsey you’re a beautiful girl and I mean it! you seem to have such a sweet heart tooooo
I know it’ll never be easy peasy being a woman (or just plain human being!) but it’s knowing our identity and our hearts that truly will shine to others. I totally getcha through this post though! for the record, I’m 5’1″ haha. sloowly starting to embrace it!
My best friend is a shortie too!
This had me tearing up. I can relate so much! As much as I would love to just say “to hell with my insecurities,” I know that it is not that easy. There is so much going on underneath that people don’t realize. It is difficult to get rid of the voices and the fat talk and the negativity.
I know that middle school wrecked HAVOIC on my self-esteem and contributed to many of my insecurities. I wish I could go back to middle school and tell the younger me that everything will be okay.
I can relate so much; thank you for posting this! Just the right time, and it looks like we were definitely on similar wavelengths re: our posts tonight!
We are - apparently we can read each other’s minds!
Ya know, my insecurities really didn’t start until college. I somehow made it unscathed in middle school. I think since I was in gymnastics, I viewed my body for what it could do and not what it could look like.
And in highschool…I never had any desire to diet and I just didn’t give it that much though.
I’m not sure what changed in my last two years of college, but it did. I started to question myself and my body. It’s taken me YEARS to get over those years.
Oh I’m still getting over those years too - glad to know I’m not alone
I love your honesty in this post! You’re right, everyone has insecurities that they think about!
I was WAY insecure in middle school. I think I was so insecure that I used up my allotment early in life. Not that I am never insecure now, but holy crap - compared to back then….well, there is simply no comparison.
It takes an amazing woman to be so real with herself… I think that sometimes that can be the hardest part.
I know I don’t know you, but I am still proud of you for making a post like this. I’m proud of you, Chelsey….. Reading things like this make me feel not so alone in the daily battle with myself. And when I say battle, I mean battle. Why is it so hard to love the being that God created? (Also, the Taylor Swift song ‘Tied Together with a Smile’ is what this post reminded me of) *Hugs & Smiles*
Thank you - I’m proud of myself. I always cringe whenever I post things like this, but I know during those cringing episodes it means that it will help others.
Beautiful, Brave, BRAVE girl.
You ‘re honesty is touching and you know what? WHY is it that we all have to go throught this? Is it some sort of Darwin-esque evolutinary thing?
Middle School, I’d like to think, sucks for every girl. Even the “mean girls.” And we outgrow it soon enough, for sure, but you are right. That “place” inside of is still there and sometimes we wake up with it. It is like a snowball effect if we let it.
Can’t wait for part deux.
I certainly hope you feel amazing and beautiful at this moment, because you are. If not, I know you will turn the mood around.
I know every single girl go through this - it makes me so sad. It has to be in the biology of girls or something!
Chelsey, thank you for sharing your beautiful, heartful post. I’ve really been dealing with a lot of insecurities that definitely started in middle school/high school lately. Sometimes teaching at the ms/hs levels brings them all back again, especially when I am stressed or upset about something. I’ve been thinking and wondering about alot of the stuff you said in your post this past week. It is nice to know I’m not alone and there are other emotional, insecure and goofy girls like myself out there dealing with the same things. Again thank you for sharing.
such a well written post chelsey. I agree with all your thoughts and inner battles. Middle school triggers something, I’m not sure what. But as we grow into our older selves, we become more forgiving, more inviting, and less worried about what others think. AMEN TO THAT!
Thanks Lindsay. Growing up definitely relieves some of those insecurities! It is nice, isn’t it?
Dear Chelsey,
You’re gorgeous, and I wouldn’t wish middle school on anyone! Mine was nightmarish too.
“How did I, and other women today, go from being a carefree little girl with absolutely not regards to what others thought, to a woman who on the inside actually still wonders on a daily basis what others think of her?”
This a really well-posed, important question! Thank you for being so genuine Chelsey. So often we tend to cover up our insecurities - I think you’ve done a really good thing here by opening up. Just reading this post makes me feel a little happier, and judging by comments so far I’m not the only one who can relate!
We need to just fist pump and say “girl power!”
middle school is such a tough time. and the insecurities that begin when you’re young do fade but they don’t ever fully go away. there are days where they crop up for everyone-no matter how confident you are/appear to be! some days you just gotta fake it ’til you make it!!
because you’re so, so right-it IS a waste to spend time thinking you’re not good enough!
You are beautiful, amazing, and so strong, and everyone can see it even when you can’t <3
I’m sure this post is going to ring true for a lot of women. You’re totally right- we all have insecurities. How we learn to deal with them makes all the difference in the world.
totally crying right now b/c I can relate 100% to this post! I am so glad though that you *only* wasted 14 yrs. I see women who have appeared to waste 50+ b/c they never fully come to accept and love themselves…so good for you for being in your 20s and already being so strong and empowered, Chelsey!
beautiful post! I love the photos ; )
What an honest post, Chelsey! You’re such a gorgeous girl — inside and out. I’m not sure if it’s like this for you, but I tend to feel insecure during more stressful times. When I have uncertainty or major stress in my life, I tend to focus on other things, like my insecurities. I think it’s almost more convenient (though not helpful!) to focus on things I can’t change (immutable characteristics) than to deal with what is actually bothering me. What helps me is to really focus on the underlying issue, if there is one. Usually there is.
Also, you might like this quote: “What other people think of me is not my business.” Powerful, right?
Definitely! I am always insecure when I am stressed out!
You’re not the only one, Chelsey. I went through all of those things, but my timing was different. My insecurities starting jumping out at me towards the end of my college years and for about 4 years after that. I feel like I am just now starting to accept who I am and loving myself for it. I am looking forward to the day where all of these pesky negative thoughts disappear from my life…FOREVER!
You are such an inspiring, beautiful, and honest person - don’t ever doubt it!
Insecurities creep in as soon as you’re the SLIGHTEST bit vulnerable.
I don’t know when those insecurities start, because I just posted today about being a tomboy, covered in dirt, sporting a bowl cut and not thinking twice about how I looked. Ahh the simpler times.
The sad part is I would say guys don’t feel the insecurities that we do. They don’t think and overthink situations and conversations. They don’t hear what the person isn’t saying, and this is probably because guys say what they mean. My husband still doesn’t understand “girl talk.” One time a girl told me I looked tired, and I had to explain to him that she meant I looked like crap (I probably did too because I just came from hiking), but he truly didn’t get the tired=crap. For girls is all about how the person says what they’re saying, because somedays tired may just be tired. Boys are blunt, and I wish girls were too.
But when it comes down to it, we just need to cherish the things we do have-health, love, jobs, family, friends, whatever it may be-and not focus on the huge pimple, okay colony of pimples, staring back at me in the mirror.
Life is short, enjoy the ride.
Absolutely!!
so glad i found your blog! it is so silly what we as women expect from ourselves physically. why are we never good enough for ourselves? we are always good enough for the ones we love and especially spouses. my husband will never even notice something this will drive me crazy about a physical appearance. i think i need to lighten up.
We all do! Women are interesting creatures, aren’t we?
My insecurities still whisper to me most days…and even scream on on others. My daughter is 13 and I ache for what she is quite possibly picking up now that will carry into her adulthood — makes your post harder to read.
I’m sure you’re doing a fabulous job with your daughter!
Fwiw, the pictures you posted are BEAUTIFUL. Keep working on who you are in the inside…believe me, the outside is beautiful and so is the inside. Make yourself believe it
I do - most days!!
Coming from someone who is battling an eating disorder, I have to work everyday right now as a battle to not let people’s views get to me…
Keep fighting Katherine!
It is funny how insecure we are, I think I started out insecure, from my earlier memory, no such “care free childhood” here, but, by 15 I learned not to care about others, to change what I wanted and accept what aim. We all have our demons….
The best piece of advice* I’ve ever been given was from my ex: he told me, “You are your worst critic.” He was trying to make me feel better about a very tiny matter, but 4 years later that still resonates with me and it really helps when I remember it when I’m feeling self-conscious. When I’m feeling ugly or stupid or just lame overall, it helps so much to be reminded that while I think these things about myself, other people don’t and they don’t obsessively analyze or even *think* my looks or my intelligence or anything else about me nearly as much as I do, so it goes against reason to think they have the time to find as much wrong with myself as I do. They’ve got their own things to worry about! It’s a major confidence-booster.
And besides, if they spend that much time picking apart another person, then they’re probably not that great themselves, right?
*Technically it wasn’t advice but I interpreted it like that.
Oh I am definitely my own worst critic as well - the Husband never understands how my mind “goes to the places it does”!!
I think everyone has those good days and bad days. It’s the tiny positives that we can take away from those bad days that make the next ones not so terrible. I never really compared myself to anyone until the end of high school/college. Insecurities always seem to come into play at the worst times. Once I got over the fact that the grass may not be greener on the other side (everyone is battling their own inner demons in some realm of life) , I was better able to handle those bad days! Stay positive girl!
You are NOT alone, that is for sure! Everyone has their insecurities, which is crazy because we all wander around thinking we are not good enough…well, no one really is. Because comparisons are just unhealthy and uncalled for!
SO be the amazing YOU, regardless of what others think
My husband is great <—he could care less what others think about him, so I have learned a lot A LOT from him!
This is exactly how I used to be in high school! Always wondering what I could do to make other people like me and other people happy. It wasn’t until I made myself happy did people start liking me and start thinking more highly of me. I still have insecurities too. You’re right: EVERYONE has them.
You are beautiful Chelsey and I LOVE reading your blog!!!
I love this post, because it is so honest and true. I wish we all could see that many years down the road our puffy hair or wider hips will not matter. To be remembered and thought about for being unique, talented, loving, etc. is so much more important then good hair. Insecurities are normal, but to acknowledge them takes great strength, you are brave and beautiful girl!
You are amazing..thank you for that post. I feel that sometimes I just THINK too much…one negative thought or insecurity, leads to another and then another..and next thing you know I am just completely negative about myself. It’s not often that it happens.. but it does. And it’s nice to know that I’m not alone
Love this open honest post. This post could be about me or probably any of your other readers. Middle school was a competition between my friends as to who had the prettiest hair, the coolest shoes; never about simple friendship. Fortunately I have definitely grown up and love myself. Like you I love my body most days but alas, insecurity rears its ugly head from time to time. Even though we all feel this way, it’s good to know I’m not alone.
This is a powerful post that I know SO many women, including myself can relate too. The world tells us we need to be perfect when in all reality we are just as God intended us to be. Chasing the bigger/better/stronger/prettier won’t ever leave us satisfied but instead wastes the very moment were living in! You ARE beautiful and it oozes out of your blog! Keep it up
I SO agree! :] Thanks for this post, Chelsey!
You’re so beautiful and it’s hard to believe that you would have insecurites, but Im glad you published this because it makes me realize that even the tall gorgeous blond girls pick themselves apart sometimes. No one thinks they’re perfect. I, as an asian who is only 5 foot 4 pick myself apart constantly. It’s really degrading to my self esteem because the size of my thighs dictates my mood :/. Thank you Chelsey, for publishing this. It really puts things into perspective
Thank you for sharing such a personal struggle. I know no woman who haven’t had problems with insecurities, esp. those focused on their bodies. I still struggle with it on almost a daily basis. But slowly, we learn the tools that help us love ourselves- because what beautiful people each of us are. I don’t believe there is anybody out there who is not beautiful, I just wish there was nobody out there who believed they weren’t!
I can soooo relate with this post. This year I finally realized that…I don’t even know who I am. In early January I felt like a fraud, a sell-out, to myself. I’ve spent all year so far this year being nice to myself and trying to figure out the real me underneath all the barriers and things I MADE to be a part of me just to fit in. I’m tired of trying to box myself into the tiny staus quo that I’ve allowed myself to be, the shell I feel comfortable with..coz it just comes off as fake. People will like me or they won’t…I can’t control that. All I can be is the best me I can be. This book by Brene Brown is a great read for dealing with your mental demons.
That book sounds good - I’ll have to check it out!
LOVE this post! You touch so many people with your wonderful words! We all have insecurities, and I definitely was self-concious and insecure through the WHOLE of middle school! You are so BEAUTIFUL Chelsey, seriously!!
Thank you my dear sweet Emma!
I cannot wait to read the rest!
I think all women feel that way at one time or another. I have had years where I was consumed with what others thought of me as well. I like to think I love myself and how I look now, but I also have ‘those days’ where all just spirals down. But you pick yourself back up, that is what is important!
First of all Chelsey- you are BEAUTIFUL. I know that doesn’t mean anything unless you personally believe it, which I hope you do, but I just had to say it anyway! And like you said: you feel good *most* days which is all anyone can ask for really. To quote what you said on my blog, “I’m an ex-perfectionist.” That means accepting that you are pretty damn awesome just the way you are!!
I do believe it.
Like I said, there are just some days that just get you down. Maybe not yesterday, but just in general!
Hiya! So glad I happened to find your blog today. I battle with the same negativity as you, girl. I feel ya. There are so many “tapes” playing in my head with negative thoughts. Its a daily fight to get rid of them. About every 10 positive things someone says cancels out 1/5th of one, single negative thing. Just know that You are gorgeous and everyone on here loves your awesome blog! Can’t wait to read more
Chelsey,
Your honesty, and raw feelings are unique to you — but I know I’ve sure felt them in my life.
Letting go of all the negative influences and feelings is not an easy task.
You are a beautiful creature of God.
Embrace that!
Thanks for all the thought provoking (and funny) posts you bring!
Oh I definitely am starting to more than I ever have before!
What an amazing post! I can so relate to this. I struggled with insecurities all throughout my teenage years and sometimes I still find that they reappear in my thoughts. But now I’m a lot better at telling those thoughts to GO AWAY!
I think it’s every woman’s struggle!
Isn’t it amazing how many of us face insecurities like this, making us all victims of our own criticism?
And it’s sad, when we’re all beautiful and have so many things to offer the world and the people around us. I can completely relate.
Good for you for bringing this topic up. We as women are taught at a young age to hide our insecurities no matter what and exude confidence when we have everything but. Thank you for starting a discussion on this, I’m sure I speak for many here when I say you are very brave to be so honest about such an otherwise secretive subject.
This is such a great post…I can relate to it so so so much. I still find myself today just “hoping” that people like me, at my job, in school, in the blog world, ect. I know who I am now, unlike in middle school, but it’s hard to show it to people sometimes…ya know?
I related so much to this post! Although, I think every single girl could relate in one way or another. I too wasted many years of my life thinking I wasn’t good enough, but things have changed these last few years for the most part!
I hear ya! I wouldn’t go back to middle or high school if someone paid me! I still have insecurities, but I’m more accepting of my faults, flaws, and imperfections these days. This does not mean I’m happy with them, but it consumes a smaller % of my life. Thanks for your honesty!
what a great post! I think we all feel we wasted at least a little time here or there worrying about silly things like that. Thanks for being honest!
Such a great, honest post! I remember I was so confident and happy with myself until I got to college and I felt like everyone was thinner and more beautiful than me. I became focused more on my weight than my health. It took me a while to get everything figured out but now I think I’ve reached a good point where I do things because of the good it does for my happiness and my health rather than for a number on the scale.
I wrote a similar post 2 days ago. I can totally relate to how you feel and it’s easy to feel insecure becing a female…sad fact. I just wish we could grow up in a world where what’s on the outside didn’t matter so much! Very frustrating.
This is such a beautiful post, and I can completely relate to the way you felt in middle school! In high school, I just wanted to be friends with this one group of girls, I would do ANYTHING, but it never seemed to be enough. I remember the days when I was young where I didn’t CARE what others thought about me!
I was actually thinking about writing a post similar to this based off of my 3 year old cousin Isabella. Bella has a problem with her eyes and has to wear an eye patch and glasses to school. I was worried about her because I can distinguishly remember a girl who had glasses in one of my classes, and how boys used to make fun of her for something that was out of her control. But Bella proudly wears her glasses and thinks they make her “really pretty!”
I think we could all take a page out of Bella’s book and be a little more like her!
I hope Bella continues to have that attitude!
Amazing post! I can relate to so much of what you wrote here, and I know it means a lot to so many women to see someone come out and say what we’re all thinking at some point! Lots of love to you.
I love this post so much. You’re right, everyone has insecurites. Some people are better at hiding them than others, but that doesnt mean theyre not there.
Its hard to keep them from tearing you down, but I think it makes us stronger in the long run. It has to right?
Oh boy, this really hit a cord with me. I had these days in middle school and high school like crazy, and there’s definitely days, like this morning that I felt this way. Thank you for such beautiful honesty
You aren’t alone. In fact, I think women who don’t feel insecure are the lonely ones because it’s so common.
Everyone wakes up and has those days when you just want to crawl back into bed. You aren’t ready to look in the mirror. You aren’t ready to face the world. So many strong women have overcome eating disorders and negative thinking. It’s taken me 6 months of therapy to start to finally conquer negative thoughts that bombard me day to day. Conquer the demons that constantly tell me I’m not good enough, that nobody could love me.
The best thing we can do is support one another, and open up. I think it’s amazing that you have told some of your struggles. This is exactly what each woman needs to read. That it happens to EVERYONE, and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. Often I feel that it’s my fault that I am the way I am, and I succumb to hopelessness. Luckily I have surrounded myself with people who inspire me, and bloggers who inspire me. Inspire me to keep up the fight, and to always get back up.
Chelsey, you are a great and beautiful woman. Thank you for your courage to share this. You can’t imagine how I needed to read this today. It’s one of those days. In the midst of one of those weeks and months.
Chelsea
I can definitely relate to so much of what you wrote. I am lucky that I have gotten over my physical insecurities but not over my insecurities about my profession and issues with in laws.
It’s definitely tough some days but always nice to hear from others who are working through similar issues.
This is nothing except true. In my recovery from my ED I am beginning to see how wonderful it is to be me and no one else. My sister is ten now and she is beginning her “uncomfortable preteen years” All I can hope is that she realizes that being adopted and looking different does not ever make her less of a person. We try to cultivate this attitude in our family.
As a teacher, I know that you are doing so much for the lives of others by being there for them. Even with your blog Chelsey, you matter!! Thanks for this post.
I hope that you can be an encouragement to your little sister!
You are SO beautiful both inside and out! Your posts always inspire and encourage me. I’m so glad to have found your blog
Can’t wait for the next part!
You nailed it girl. I am serious when I say I think we were separated at birth. I had the exact same thing going on in high school and me and my sis are the same way. We are all learning how to love ourselves and some days are harder than others but just know you have so much love and support from this girl:) LOVE YOU!!
Chelsea, this is awesome. You’re a rockstar for being able to post all this honesty. And you’re so right. We ALL have these insecurities about ourselves. But don’t worry… everyone thinks you’re funny and beautiful.
YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I CAN RELATE TO THIS! we have the same mind- for real
Thanks for posting this, I can relate completely although I have found as I get older my insecurities begin to fade and im not as worried about the small things. As a woman I feel there will always be that pressure and you just have to believe in yourself that you are beautiful!
Chelsey- that was SO well written!
I can relate to this so much! Sometimes I think it’d just be easier to be a boy (only kind of kidding), they just seem so much simpler to me…but then again, maybe they also struggle with these same kinds of issues?
Oh man do I remember middle school and what hell that was to live through! My family never had the money for name brand clothing, gymnastic classes, or school lunch. I was the lanky, flat chested girl in thrift store clothes that browned bagged it every day. Not to mention half the time I was tugging on my jeans to make them appear long enough for my never-ending legs! I honestly believe that middle school was tougher for me to get through mentally (from a social perspective) than high school.
The only thing that gets me through the day on those “bad days” is remembering that nearly every woman on the face of this planet has the same insecurities. No one is ever completely 100% happy with everything they’ve got…but I am a firm believer in attitude! Act confident and you will look confident!
I beat myself up and can’t take compliments…my husband loves it lol
Wow, I really enjoyed this post, so I just had to comment. I can relate in so many ways. I have often felt insecure about my body and my image overall, but like you said I can put on a facade that I’m really confident. I’m extremely sarcastic at times so I can joke around that “I’m awesome…” to my friends and family, but only those closest to me know about some of my insecurities. Another thing that really feeds my insecurities sometimes is the fact that I’m one of my only friends who is still single. I’ll drone on and on at times about how I don’t need a man, and “I’m independent,” but that’s when my insecurities tend to spring up in the back of my head again.
The thing that keeps me going is knowing that there are plenty of girls out there feeling the same way (as I can see from alll of these comments)
I also work with adolescent females (in the mental health field), and I try to help them by relating to their own insecurities.
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