Today’s post is a great guest post from Nescett about how we as women (and men!) can avoid the comparison trap and bashing ourselves.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been noticing a trend among my female friends: self-bashing. These are smart, beautiful, successful women who have every reason to be proud of their accomplishments, but instead they, like many of us, focus on the failures, the stumbles, the things they could have done better.
Growing up an only child with a very strong and capable mother, I’ve often felt that I wasn’t quite doing good enough. No one was making me feel this way, it was all my inner critic, telling me that I needed to do more, better, faster. I didn’t take time to appreciate what I’d done and fear of failure often held me back from doing more. Over the last few years, I’ve had several people with very different relationships (personal, professional, etc.) point out that I’m really hard on myself. If I’ve done something well, even very well, I still focus and zero in on the one area where I think I should have done something better, or different.
So how do we quiet that inner critic and practice Ashimsa, kindness and non-violence to all living things, with ourselves? How do we learn to be kind to ourselves?
- Take stock of all that you have accomplished. Celebrate even your little successes. Your accomplishments may not be the same as your friends, your co-workers, our your siblings but they are all yours and are worth feeling proud of. Different paths are what make you uniquely you.
- Remind yourself that it’s never too late. Just figuring out what you want from your career in your 30′s? Not married when you thought you’d be? Don’t beat yourself up for being a late bloomer. Life is very long and there’s always time. Remind yourself that you are where you are supposed to be. Don’t get stuck in past regrets or anxious about the future. Accept that you are where you are and from there you can grow.
- Avoid comparisons. It’s easy to feel like everyone around you is in a better place, but everyone has their own anxieties and insecurities. Remember that you are leading your life on your timeline.
- Give yourself a break! Those of us who tend to be most self-critical are often perfectionists who feel like our best is never good enough. But it is! Our inner critic is what keeps us focused and working hard, but remember that you’re always doing your best, and it’s great. Take time to appreciate that.
Practice loving and praising yourself the way you love and praise others in your life. You deserve it. I’m a great mom who is raising a great daughter. I need to learn to silence my inner critic, be proud of what I’ve done, and teach my daughter to be proud of her own accomplishments every single day.
Question: How do you avoid self-bashing or help to love yourself?
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
This is such a needed post! I think your tips are spot-on. Another thing that helps me is getting to the root of WHY something I’m doing or not doing is bothering me so much. Sometimes uncovering it is enough to alleviate the pressure I’ve put on myself.
I definitely needed this post today! I’m very hard on myself, never thinking what I do is good enough even though it may be a great accomplishment!
Great tips! I am soooo bad about comparisons. So many of my friends have better jobs than I do, so I just keep telling myself that I’m a late bloomer in the career world. Hopefully it all works out!
Great thoughts! I think avoiding comparisons is huge. I also remind myself that God made me, and I think He knows what He’s doing.
What a good topic! I especially agree the point on self-comparisons. Take the media for example. It’s easy to get into patterns of self-comparison to the beauty we see on the media, but being aware of all the Photoshopping and edits that go on behind the scene help to put it in perspective. Everyone is different, everyone is beautiful, and self-love is so important! I love how you gave tips because it can be so much harder than it sounds.
This post definitely resonates with me as well. I catch myself continually trying to make myself “better”-thinner, more educated, more creative, perfectly dressed, etc. While in some ways it gives me a strong sense of purpose, in other ways I just make myself crazy through all the comparisons. I believe this is a life-long process and as we continue to grow, hopefully it becomes a bit easier. Thanks for the reminder! We all need more if this sort of conversation.
I love this post… And was so excited to read it after I posted something of similar sentiment yesterday
http://theloudandclear.com/2012/06/04/you-are-awesome/
What a great post! I think it is a message we as women honestly need to hear over and over again. Thank you for sharing
Great post! I always need to be reminded to not compare myself. Thank you:)
Thinking positive thoughts and remembering everyone is not perfect. I think we all do this sometimes though, no matter how much we try to avoid it. Thank you for the great reminder and great post!
Self-bashing is definitely a huge problem for so many women (and men) that I know. It is very important to remember that perfection does not exist and our mistakes/flaws are what makes us human! Learning to love ourselves for exactly the way we are is one of the most important things we can learn to do.
What a great reminder! I hate hearing my friends bash themselves. I always try to offer a genuine praise of what they are good at for every bash they take. It’s amazing how hard it is for some people to see their strengths!
Self-bashing is such an easy trap to fall into. It doesn’t matter how satisfied you are with certain aspects of your life, there’s always something for you to pick at. I know that it’s healthy to see areas where we’d like to improve rather than sit around saying that we are 100% perfect 100% of the time, but there’s a line between striving for self-improvement and telling ourselves we aren’t good enough until we change. In general, comparison to another person tends to be what drives it, and that’s the part that’s hard to resist!
I LOVE this post. Thank you for sharing! I feel like since everybody does this, it’s hard to avoid. I always think of that scene in Mean Girls when Lindsay Lohan’s character feels like she has to join in with the other girls.
Such a needed reminder! It’s posts like these that help keep me away from self-bashing….such an easy trap for girls/women to fall into
I think all women self bash to some extent. I sure do at least. I just try and remind myself of the good in the situation I am “bashing”. Like “who cares if my stomach isnt washboard flat, I have 2 beautiful babies from it”
Thank you so much for this post, it was just what I needed today. I’m currently studying for the bar exam, and have been really upset that I feel like I’ve been tired and not studying enough, or not fitting in enough workouts, though I know making the time for a quick run would probably de-stress me. It sometimes is hard to know that I’m really just doing the best I can, and that’s enough.
I’m studying for med school board exams and there are days when I’ve totally felt that way too! You are not alone
My test is this weekend and I’ve felt the stress building up the last couple of days, and have been putting off a quick run in order to get more study time in. After reading your this I know a run will do me good! Good luck on the bar exam!! 
Love your “It’s never too late” tip! I was afraid to quit my major, and then my job for a few years because I felt like it was too late and I’d already come too far. Not true! It’s never too late to do what makes you happy.
this is such a great post! with all the photo-shopped images in ads and the media these days, it’s easy to fall into the comparison trap and self-bash. It sounds really dorky, but i like to wake up in the morning and give myself 3 “warm fuzzies” haha! thanks for sharing!
Great post - I am guilty of self-bashing and also of not being able to accept a compliment, which is the same thing I suppose. It’s perhaps a fear of appearing arrogant if we’re confident but I am slowly learning that there is an in-between place that is quite satisfying and much healthier!
What a perfect post for my day today! I think we all have the tendency to self-bash, especially when we are comparing ourselves to others. We truly shouldn’t though because there is no use in comparing. I can’t be anyone else just myself, so I should be the best me possible. Whenever I hear others bashing themselves I am always the first to speak up and tell them the wonderful things that they have going for them, but I need to take this advice for myself more.
I love this post. We should be proud of who we are and where life has taken us. No one is perfect!
I feel like I need to print this out and tack it on every mirror in my house. I am so guilty of self-bashing, and usually have to stop myself - out loud - when I catch it. Self talk is my go to method. Saying it out loud makes a huge difference!
Hi Chelsey! I can’t tell you how much this blog post helped change my attitude today. I read your blog first thing every morning before starting my day at work and your words were both encouraging and motivating. I shared some of your “words of wisdom” on my blog. I included several links back to your blog. If you have the chance, I hope you’ll stop on over and check it out. Thanks again for reminding us to celebrate our individuality and accomplishments!
I think we, as women, tend to be overly critical of ourselves. Though there is nothing wrong with setting big goals or maintaining lofty aspirations, if we don’t reach those goals when we think we should (like say marriage by age 30), we think we’ve failed and panic as a result. I find it to be super motivating when I set big goals for myself, however, I never set a date or an age for when that goal must be reached. My first life goal was to buy a house. I did that over 2 years ago at age 23, but I thought it would take much longer! I have many more goals that I thought I’d achieve sooner, but they’re still in the works. I love your 3rd bullet point. I’ve discovered that a lot of the people who appear to be in a better place…are also experiencing some really unfortunate credit card debt that they definitely aren’t telling you about! Don’t be hard on yourself. As long as you have a roof over your head, clothes, and food, you are on track for success! Praise yourself. Critique yourself…but don’t criticize yourself. =)
What a great post! I think we all self bash sometimes. I think that although we may not feel 100% everyday, I don’t self bash in front of other people. I feel like that makes the bashing spread and only makes everything worse.
I definitely relate and I’m working on not self-bashing. Especially the comparing myself to others thing. This post came right on time.
Great post - I agree with one responder - it is important to get to the root of why we feel ‘less than’ in so many ways. Kids can be a great motivator too - if I do not feel good enough about myself, no matter how many praises I give my kids - they will absorb my energy of not feeling good enough (even if never spoken out loud).
Thanks for this post!
I tried to remember how unique I am - how God only made one of me. :0) Reading Psalm 139 helps as well.
If all else fails, quite honestly, I look at how many mistakes other people make which helps me to realize that I’m human too!!!
This post was soo needed!!! I’ve been apart of the SheReadsTruth Bible study going around Twitter and Instagram and it is all about toxic thoughts and how we must stop them. I love it when God aligns things up like this!
What an amazing post. Thank you SO much! I’ve been struggling with bashing myself lately (feeling I’m not good enough, etc.), but this is exactly what I needed. I shouldn’t compare myself because there is no one like me!
This is such a great post. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of self-bashing. But we do need to be more forgiving of ourselves and others. I think the tip to remind yourself that it’s never too late is huge!! Thanks for sharing.
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